Week 9:
The theme for Week 9 is “Family Secret.” Have you uncovered a family secret? (A reminder that you do not need to post anything publicly.) A secret doesn’t have to be big or negative. (Like my grandpa not telling us grandkids that he was the one playing Santa at the Christmas party.)

Due to the nature of this document I will not be revealing any particular Family Secrets but will be addressing how to deal with them when we do discover them. Family Secrets tend to come out in the process of researching your family tree. Even before DNA analysis was readily available, previous marriages or children born out of wedlock might have surfaced during a thorough investigation of a family lineage.

To say that DNA analysis has changed the way we go about doing genealogical research is not necessarily true, as a good researcher uses both DNA and documentation, but DNA does reveal those secrets hidden behind our paper trails.

Some secrets I have found include a child born and who passed away at the age of 3 in the early 1900s. while this may not have been a purposely kept secret, by the time I came along and started looking into the family, this child had been left out of the family stories.  Another example I found was a family where the first wife of a gentleman passed shortly after childbirth. The man quickly remarried, and all the child’s later documents listed the stepmother as the mother, as she was the one who raised the child. While we cannot be certain whether the child knew about their birth mother, the current generations of the family had not received this information. I have also come across previous engagements that never solemnized into marriage for a myriad of reasons.

Of course, with discussing Family Secrets, it is difficult to avoid the big secrets such as adoptions that were never spoken of.  Now, with DNA analysis we are discovering more cases where our “Nurture family” may not be our “Nature family”

I choose to use the terms “nurturing family” and “natural family” when discussing family secrets involving adoption or cases where a child was born to different parents than those who raised them. These terms are not meant to pass judgment but rather to acknowledge that we are all a product of both nature and nurture.

To illustrate how both nature and nurture shape us, according to my DNA Traits, I am genetically unlikely to play an instrument, a trait I inherited from my mother’s DNA. However, my mother grew up singing after hearing her uncle sing in church, joined choirs at school, and decided that she wanted to be like her teacher, ultimately becoming a music teacher. Because of her influence, I took piano lessons and played saxophone in the marching band. This demonstrates how both genetic predisposition and environmental factors contribute to our skills and interests.

When I work with people analyzing their DNA and discovering that there was an NPE (Non-Parental Event) I emphasize that who they are today results from both the natural and nurturing families. We should not judge our ancestors for decisions they made or actions they took because we do not know their reasons. However, we do know that their choices ultimately led to our existence.

When we think of starting families today – it’s very possible that someone you know has used or was conceived through fertility treatments, whether via IVF, other medical interventions, or surgical procedures. Infertility is not a modern issue; it has existed throughout history.  The first historically rumored case of artificial insemination dates back to the 1400’s, while the first documented case was in the 1790s. Such treatments often occurred discreetly, as people feared social judgment. Before medical advancements, some individuals also conceived children through alternative means, including with a different partner. It is also worth remembering that, historically, women’s primary societal role was to bear children, as they were often unable to work outside the home. As gender roles have evolved, discussions about fertility and reproductive choices have become less taboo.

When handling the potential emotional impact of family discoveries I take the ‘secret’ to the next closest relative who may be affected and ask how they want to handle the information. I allow them time to sit with the information before discussing how they would like to approach the topic. However, I make it clear that I will not lie to maintain a secret. If I am asked directly about something, I will divulge the information, but I will not broadcast or proactively share it if the individual chooses to keep it private. This approach has proven effective for the families involved. Eventually, most people find out, whether through their own research or due to medical inquiries.

I recognize that some people could be emotionally impacted by these discoveries, and I am always respectful when discussing these secrets. I encourage individuals to remember that we are all shaped by the generations that came before us—no matter what.